The “Club”

When your mom dies you join a “club” you never wanted to join. It doesn’t matter how old you are, how old she is, what your relationship was like, what it wasn’t. You join the ranks of women everywhere who experience grief and longing and you go behind the veil, you go to the place of knowing loss in a way that is palpable. You know what your children will feel one day and you can’t stop it.

My best friend’s mom is dying. She is coming home on hospice tomorrow and she will begin the journey towards loss and grief. Joining her and supporting her on this journey is bringing with it a tidal wave of feelings for myself. For my own history of loss, of belonging to this club. Damn I miss her so, so much.

When my mom died, my good friend Sarah and I went to Macy’s to buy something for me to wear to the funeral. I had just turned 33 (I found out my mother died on my 33rd birthday, the night prior) and had not attended a lot of funerals – basically I didn’t have anything appropriate for a graveside service and reception. I was in a Macy’s dressing room, half dressed looking in the mirror and started to laugh-cry. She asked if I was ok, I opened the door and looked at her and said “I just realized I’m one of those women, the women who’ve lost their mother – it feels like a club you never want to join.” I wanted to rescind my membership.

I was so, so angry when she died for so many reasons. It would take years and medication for me to grieve her properly and honestly I’m still not sure I have. I remember seeing this picture and quote for the first time several years ago and I realized so much of my anger was grief. Grief for so many things, including her. My mother will go down as the most tragic love story for me. I so wish I could have saved her.

If you have a friend whose mom is dying or has died – give her grace, love her, and know she is going through something so awful, palpable, and irrevocable. Love her well, show her mercy, and just be present. There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do, but love her in all her rage, all her sadness, all her helplessness. She’s joining a club that she doesn’t want to join, receiving a membership she can’t give back.